cantankerous images dispel hopes, lucid malice bestows rage
the troubled mind decayed gangrene

a normal life, abnormal influences

walking down a life riddled with pain, a existence that defies explanation
waking every morning wishing to cease , to fall into an abyss
sex, money, drugs and alcohol - powerless cocktail , potent holocaust recipe for ....

contrived emotions have suppressed feelings that leave me numb, desolate
closing walls, blinding florescence , blanked vision
raised books scorch eyes, deafening rhythms fall on closed ears
the bass line pounds my chest filling the void , enchanted orations, the mind is tricked
sent to psychedelic dimensions, escaped is the dark doom of today

a heart full of pain, a head filled with rage , wandering , searching for salvation from vices endured
dopamine for my restless soul , provider of peace , destroyer of men
i worship shiva for the escape, cross a fallen angel , wish a deal
sublime feels lost in woven facades, false lives an endeared existence

slur in the haze and bleed in request , rancor kills in greed
the air reeks of fear in change, an unbearing stench of denial
wake my dear, wake ... submit to me , worship vespers the mind
pages shrink to lines , monosyllables in stead

rage .

Happiness

A word that confuses, befuddles, and usually scares the hell out of me...
a rather optimistic friend of mine calls it the following

happiness is a vague feeling-- a fleeting emotion whose existence is cherished in afterthought. some live in a birdcage/in a fantasy world/ in brutal memories and some in unassumed realities. there may be no intervention, maybe no hope, but the act gives courage to live another day that died in another continent hours ago.

ps. nothing in this existence has any name or meaning until u give it one.

i would rather call it a trade off , fantasy versus reality ...

most would be content to use it as an escape for today , to fall back on a memory that is as scarce as the feeling itself, dont get me wrong i have nothing against being happy or joyful or full of life.

i don't wish to be sad , i too wish to be happy.. i too want to feel the warm embrace of hope to derive comfort in that very spiritual of feelings that is the prelude to a peaceful state of

Its just a state of mind as far as i can see, in my convoluted imagination the state of happiness is most often the harbinger of despondency for it propagates impossible hope

something that drives a kid to survive a week in a pit or the underdogs to win the series and all that .

what i ask is this, everybody is inspired by visions of others hope transpiring into reality , but how many of these translate those visions into their own lives.

i might hope for a better job, a better life , to find and keep true love , but does hope and this afterthought of happiness really drive me to achieve it ? no it doesn't .. . but something else does

fear

a very understated feeling, i would say

it drives everything and everybody that i can possibly imagine

an awful pessimist you might call me , but deep down you know the reality


why work ? fear of losing that security a job offers you

why love ? fear being alone ?

why hope ? fear of being lost

Rage …

Often have many quizzed me on my choice of mood in my prose, wondering if life was in actuality quite as despondent as portrayed.

I really have no answer to that, except that I breathe in conflict: in every emotion, state, choice or mood. Umpteen times I am confused by the multiplicity of choices that are present in my head at any given point in time. Annoyingly enough most of them contradict each other leaving me terribly confused.

Reality is that having lived so many lives over the years I seem to have lost track of my own identity, sucked into a whirlpool of emotions that assault my every sense day after day, numbing every feeling.

Who am I ? do you know ? for I don’t, a mortal fear looms of its existence, of discovering that I fall quite short of my perceived image or exceed (both terrifying thoughts although there is a feeling of cynical humor in my mind as I jot this down, laughing at this ironically desperate state of mind)

Why the hell would I want to find out anyway, what difference does it make. even if I do ever find out, would it change anything ? would I want to change anything, not quite I think. Comfortable in a safe complacent state of mind.

Taken enough stupid risks in my life already, now everything that seemed exciting, fun seems risky, nonsensical or plain stupid.

Mornings, huh …

Waking every morning to supposedly a new world, when I’m not even sure if I have stopped dreaming of the older.

Living in hope, that’s what we do – really? Are we supposed to believe in our hopes , knowing fully well the stupidity they present! Secretly hoping , praying for those ‘godly’ interventions that would change the very direction of our lives.

5 seconds of reflection and back to reality, where the fuck are my socks man ? Sardar …. I need socks …

despondent lives , empty existences

repeated lies, accepted too

walking illusions , dark days

sleeping dreams , psychedelic nights

forgotten lives , void spaces

abstained desires ,


rage ......

.sin

can you handle the real me ?

a hundred faces
a hundred illusions

a reflection in doubt
a soul interred

real is no more
them is me today

lost is hope
forgotten , spurned is me

.sin

in absence of reason do i live,
only to stifle in my curse

do i wish upon it myself ?
for i see my escape and do i fear the release for i fear it in itself ?

a thousand questions does my heart ask of me

am i a prisoner of my own sorrow
or a fool of my own folly

bear not the cross shall i,
fail not the purpose will i

an untimely death shall my reason befall
for i am a fool of my own ...

reason

.sin

christened the prince of darkness
fallen below our feet

in the absence of light shall he rise
from dusk till dawn shall he rue

he walks the streets amongst our dead
more in heart than in shape

rue his whisper
for shall it turn your dreams true

tempt the gentle voice does
fall the weak mind will

.sin

i stand afflicted by a terrible loneliness